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Kneading *Needing* Banana Bread

Updated: Dec 26, 2020

The television blares in the background and I realize I sat on this chair for far too long staring at my coffee cup and not much else. The dust under the couch remains and the dishes from last night are getting harder to wash. I sigh and try to lift my thoughts from drudgery and sadness to today's happenings. Sometimes, just ONE thing makes the difference. I have decided that today, banana bread will make that difference to me.

I grab my phone and search through the first thirteen recipes that show up on my screen, I am not that ambitious so the second one seems good enough. I slowly get up and stretch my toes feeling the pain of arthritis more acutely today as I slowly hobble to the kitchen. After a bit I look through the ingredient listing for the fifth or sixth time to make sure I have what is needed, surprise I don't. I need one more banana and mini chocolate chips of which I have neither. So, I alter the list and get to work mixing the dough against the pains in my wrist and shoulder (arthritis is a mean bitch sometimes) then pour the dough for baking, I set the timer to make sure I pull it out of the oven at the right time. In fifty short minutes I will have hope and bread in a loaf shaped pan.

Not every day is like this, but some days are exactly like this one. The day where I want to sleep the whole day away and just not be here. I know I am not alone in this type of day, but no one wants to share and I, quite frankly, do not want to hear it. I have my own shit spinning around in the recesses of my mind adding other's thoughts isn't appealing. It's a tough spot of wanting to share the crappy mood I feel with wanting to be isolated, to shut the world and all the craziness out. Conflicting thought for someone who is having crazy thoughts and wants to scream at the world while hiding. I understand the irony, it isn't lost on me and I think oftentimes that is how I survive; the realization I am a flawed human being and how funny we are all to include me. I am hungry, but no I don't want THAT sammich.... so odd how we turn away the very nourishment we need.

Now, I am feeling better mentally, I have the warm gooey banana bread as proof I can get stuff done, I can do something. Too bad I chose something that will also make me gain weight and then it sinks. The elation of doing a good job sinks... ever so slowly, the mood starts to fall, I scrape for the humor and I find it. How funny, I am writing a blog about a bread recipe to lift my mental well being and I thought for a second perhaps someone would want that recipe -- and I HATE those blogs that write a ton of words and the recipe is at the end. Just tell me how to make the bread, I have no need for your grandmother's plate and warm smile story that you discuss for twenty paragraphs before telling me to gather bananas, milk, and butter. SIGH. To answer the question - no, there is no recipe only a picture of the finished bread that has been cut into, eaten, and allowed me to salvage a day that was sure to be shit. Peace.






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