Uncertain Bliss

Truly, the first thing that happens with an incurable illness is grieving (diagnosed). Processing the loss you just learned is or will happen without your consent is a huge undertaking. Time reflecting on the loss is not only necessary but therapeutic to a degree. Additionally, processing the new information, the new "thing" sucks up a bit of your thinking as well. Then, the dust settles and the new norm takes hold and moves in. You are post-diagnosis,

You have two choices now - own this thing or have it own you. I'm a control person so you know I want to own this squatter who took up residence without a lease. But, but ... I'm learning to let go instead. I'm learning that in trying to control it I am letting it squat right where I don't want it - so I let it go. Neither of us owns the other; we are each our own and entitled to all that means.

Oh and another new norm no one told me - the word AND. You can have this AND that. You can have more than one thing go wrong -- AT THE SAME TIME. Are. You. Kidding. Me. Fck. Let that go too cause you'll never reach the end of google if you don't and you'll have died at least ten times over.

I want to live though - profoundly and deeply live though. I want the opportunity to see my kids grow old, to watch endless sunsets with my partner, to touch the waters, to laugh at the world and smile, to breath. Maybe this seems insurmountable, even delusional thinking. But ever so slightly the thoughts become more insistent. The heart craves this possibility, your fingers lightly touch the idea(s) and edges, thr weight starts to lift from you so softly you almost can't perceive it - but - it's definitely lighter, it's definitely less. And you feel elated. Wait - can this be? Can I foresee a future when I can am so uncertain? Maybe. Maybe. This is living today.